Watch Your Mouth

Think about the last conversation you had today. Did you leave that person better than you found them?

In this episode, we're in Ephesians 4:29 and getting honest about something most of us think we're already doing well. Because it's easy to be encouraging in a room and still have a sharp edge when you're frustrated. Easy to say the right thing in the wrong tone. Easy to be accurate and still owe somebody an apology for how you said it.

We're also in Proverbs 18:21, "the tongue has the power of life and death," and unpacking what that actually means for the hard conversations, the gossip that gets dressed up as prayer requests, and the gap between what you meant and what was received.

This one is not just about avoiding the wrong words. It's about learning to use the right ones on purpose.

You can be right about what you said and still miss the assignment.

Girl, Pick Up is a podcast by EmpowerHER Spirit, created for the woman who's ready to answer the call — on faith, purpose, and the real conversations nobody else is having.

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Transcript

SPEAKER_00 0:00

Hey girl, thank you so much for picking up. I had a question for you. Can you think about the last conversation that you had today? Just any conversation, a coworker, your kids, your partner, a text thread. Did you leave that person better than you found them? That's what we're getting into today. Your words. And I promise this is gonna step on some toes, mine included. Girl, pick up. So I've been thinking about this a lot lately. We spend so much time evaluating what people are bringing to us. Are they sharpening me? Are they draining me? Is this relationship actually good for where I'm trying to go? And that's worth thinking about. I mean, we talked about it a couple episodes ago, but at some point you have to flip it. What am I bringing? What are people walking away with after they've been around me? Do they feel seen? Do they feel built up? Or do they feel like they just got off the phone a little bit more drained than when they first called? And I think that question is uncomfortable because most of us genuinely believe our words are mostly positive. We're not out here trying to hurt anybody, and we care about the people who are in our lives, but there's a difference between having good intentions and having good delivery, and that's where this gets real. Ephesians 4 and 29 says, Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen. The word unwholesome here means rotten, like fruit that's going bad. And Paul is saying, Don't let that come out of your mouth. Gossip, tearing someone down, using your words to win an argument instead of trying to actually resolve something, complaining that doesn't go anywhere and doesn't build anything, all of that qualifies as this. But what I love about this verse is that Paul doesn't stop at what not to say. He tells us what to replace it with. Only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs. He says according to their needs, not what you feel like saying or what you think they deserve to hear in this moment, but what they actually need. And that's a completely different filter. Before you say the thing, does this person need this? Is this going to build them up or just make me feel better? Is it about them or is it about me? And then Proverbs 18 21 just takes it all the way. It says, the tongue has the power of life and death. That's it. That's literally the whole statement. Life and death. Your words might kind of affect people. Uh-uh, girl. Life and death. You have the power to speak something into a person that builds them up and carries them for years. And you have the power to say something that stays with them in the worst way long after you've forgotten that you've even said it. And I don't think we walk around taking that seriously enough, truly, myself included. So let me be real with you. I think a lot of us genuinely pass the words test on a normal day. We encourage, we build people up. We're not the ones that are starting the mess. But then what happens when you're triggered? When you're exhausted and somebody says the wrong thing, when you've already had a long day and a situation comes up that requires patience that you just don't have right now. That's when the real stuff surfaces. And I've had to sit with this in my own life because I can be really encouraging in a room and still have a sharp edge when I'm frustrated at home. I can say the right thing and still say it in a tone that communicates something completely different. You can be honest and still be harsh, and you can be right about what you said and still owe somebody an apology for how you said it. My mom used to always tell me, it's not what you say, it's how you said it. And I think that gap between what you meant and what was received is where I think a lot of us are actually living. And so Ephesians 4 and 29 doesn't ask if what you said was accurate. It asks if it was helpful, if it was building the person up, if it was what they needed. And when the answer is no, even if you're right, you still miss the assignment. Now I want to talk about gossip because I feel like this one gets a pass that it really shouldn't get, especially in Christian spaces where it shows up dressed as a prayer request, or girl, I just need to vent for a second, or I'm just processing and I needed to say it out loud. And okay, processing is real. I totally get it. There are people in your life you should absolutely be able to go to and talk through something hard because that's not gossip, that's community. But I think if we're honest, we know the difference between processing with a trusted person and just talking about somebody. We know which one we're doing in the moment because we can feel it. And the thing about gossip that makes it so hard to quit is that it feels good, like there's a true social bond that happens when two people are talking about a third person, it creates some sense of closeness, like y'all are on the same team, but that closeness is built on somebody else and it never actually builds anything, it just creates more mess, more distance between people, more situations that eventually have to be cleaned up. And I always come back to this question: if I talk about other people like this, what are people saying about me when I'm not in the room? That one will make you get quiet real quick because the tongue has the power of life and death, and every time we open up our mouths, we are choosing which one we are releasing into the world. Okay, I don't want to just leave you with conviction. I want to give you something that you can actually use because the hardest place this verse lives is not in avoiding gossip, it's in the moment when you actually have to say something difficult, when somebody hurts you and it has to be addressed, when you're a manager or a mother or a friend, and the kind thing and the easy thing, they're not the same. So, how do you say what needs to be said without it turning into an attack? One thing that I found really helpful is this idea of sandwiching it. You start with something genuine and affirming, you say the hard thing, and then you come back to something that reminds the person that you are for them. Because when someone feels attacked, they get they close up, the walls go up, and nothing gets through. You can be saying the most accurate, necessary thing in the world, and if it lands like an attack, they're not hearing it. They're just gonna go into defense mode and start to defend themselves. But when someone feels like, okay, this person actually loves me and they're coming to me with this because they care, they'll stay open, and that's when something can actually change. The other thing worth paying attention to is the difference between going after someone's behavior versus going after their character. There's a real difference between saying you're so inconsiderate and saying when you did that specific thing, it made me feel like I wasn't being considered. One shuts the conversation down before it even starts, and then the other opens a door. One makes a person feel like they're the problem, and the other one makes them feel like there is a problem that you guys can work through together. And so if your goal is actually resolution, if you want something to change and not just want to feel heard in the moment, how you say it is going to matter just as much as what you say. The goal of a conversation is not to win, it's actually to get somewhere, and your words are either going to open that door or close it. Alright, girl, here's your one thing for this week. Think about one relationship where your words could be doing more work. Somebody you've been a little sharp with lately, a conversation you've been avoiding because you're not confident it'll come out right, or just a habit, whether it's venting, complaining, talking about people, something that you know deep down isn't building anything up. I want you to take that one thing and bring it to God. Ask Him to help you bring your words into alignment with who you actually want to be for the people around you. Because the women who leave a mark on this world are not just the ones who do great things, they're the ones who make people feel something every time that they walk out of a room. Seen, valued, sharper for just having talked to you, girl. That is the power that your words carry. Use them like you know that. If you want to go deeper this week, the His Masterpiece devotional is on Amazon. As always, the link is in the show notes. And before you go, you know I want to pray over you. Father, I thank you for the woman on the other end of this. God, I ask that you put a guard over her mouth, not to silence her, but to sanctify what she has to say. Let her words carry life, let them build up and not tear down, let them reflect who you are, even in the hard conversations, Lord, even when she's frustrated and even when she could say more than she does and just chooses not to. Give her the wisdom to know the difference between what she feels like saying and what actually needs to be said, and give her the grace to say the hard things in a way that people can actually receive. Lord, for the woman who has been on the receiving end of words that were not life-given, words spoken over her in anger or in hurt that she's still carrying, God, I ask that you would heal those places. Remind her that what was spoken over her is not the final word. You are in Jesus' name. Amen. Okay, girl, we are still in our Bible study group, and it is never, never, ever too late to join. The link is also in the show notes. But I'll talk to you next week. Girl, pick up, and until next week, I'll talk to you then.